This time last year....

It is hard to believe that this time last year we were in the final stages of preparing for our first trip to Taraz. So much has happened in the adoption world since then.

I hear of changes that have been made and I am glad we are done and have our precious little boy at home. I know the US government agencies say they have made changes to streamline some of the process, but from what I have been reading on the message boards I'm not so sure they have succeeded.

Then there are all the stories in the press the last few months. I personnally don't know the circumstances or details of these different families but have to believe, especially in the latest case, that there had to be a better way of handling things. I do know that we were well educated on RAD, FAS, Instutionalized child development and lists and lists of resources if we had/have problems by our home study agencies and our placement agency. So far we have been fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who have had managable problems. I have read some of the other stories of those who have not been as fortunate. I can only imagine what it must be like, but I give great credit to those families who have worked through these issues or found compassionate ways of dealing with disrupted adoptions.

I believe for the most part that the good, legitimate agencies all tell and prepare their clients for the pros and cons of IA adoption. I think some parents are so desperate to have a family that they put on rose colored glasses and forget all the warnings. Even in the best of cases there is an adjustment period and it can last months or years depending on the childs age and background. I have always believed you prepare for the worst case and rejoice if you are blessed enough not to have to use most of what you prepared for. If we choose to deny that the worst could happen to us then we will not be prepared if and when it does.

I know we personally whined about the mandatory 14 day bonding period in the Kaz program but in hind sight the Kaz government probalby has it right. We ended up spending just under 4 weeks with Lukas on the first trip. From personal experience and reading about others it usually takes the first 7 days just to crack the shell. It is during the second week on that they start to come out of the shell and the real child "begins" to emerge. We thought we knew what kind of child we were going to be bringing home after that first month. We then got to spend 10 days in Kazakhstan with Lukas in our custody. Yes, he was still pretty much the child we expected to be bringing home, but, having him 24/7 for 10 days also brought to light some things we were going to seriously have to work on that we hadn't experienced or seen during the bonding period.

Kaz also requires that you come to Kazakhstan and meet the children in person before deciding if you wish to proceed with adopting them. I know other programs send referrals ahead of time and PAPs decide based on photos, reports and videos before travel if they wish to adopt a particular child and then spend limited time with them in country before everything is final. Evidently, that is not the best way to do things. I now see the wisdom behind the Kazakhstan Ministries/Dept of Education program requirements. It is costly (financially and emotionally) to go to Kaz and come home empty handed on the first trip, having seen many children but knowing in your heart and mind that they just aren't the right child/ren for your family. Luckily for us that was not the case. However, usually, when you do find that child, you can be pretty confident in your match for the long haul.

I also believe having the child evaluated thoroughly after arriving back in the USA is important. Our son was seen by his Pediatrician within 3 weeks of coming home. She spoke to us at length regarding any issues or concerns we had so far. Then at 6 weeks he was evaluated at the International Adoption clinic. The IA doctor did a very thorough evaluation and again asked about questions, concerns and talked to us about how to handle things and help him adjust to life in US and with a new language. At 4 months we had him seen by the county's free evaluation service through the public school system and again at the IA clinic at 6 months for follow-up. If we had concerns that a behaviour was a warning sign of attachment issues we discussed it with them so we could seek treatment if needed. So, I find it hard to understand how a child who has been here for only 6 months could have so many issues that went undetected until it was to the point the family felt the need to send him back alone to his birth country.

I pray this day for all those waiting PAPs and those in process that are being effected by recent events. I pray for those caring for children suffering from severe attachment and other issues, those who have had to disrupt their adoptions through no fault of their own and I pray for those children in the orphanages, babyhouses and boarding schools that are waiting for families and especially those who never will have families of their own. They are the ones who truely suffer when we adults and our respective governments lose sight of what truly matters, giving the children of the world the best care and love possible.

I believe every AP has a responsibility to remember that their actions can and will effect those who follow behind in the adoption process. Yes, we need to put our families needs and safety first, but, we should never forget about all those children still waiting.