We are the truth: A campaign and call to action

THEN



NOW


We (adoptive parents or those who know adoptive parents) have been asked to blog on April 15 about successful adoptions. "We are the truth" is meant to show that one unsuccessful adoption (the Adoptive mother from Tennessee) is not representative of the face of adoption in the United States.

I already stated my feelings and opinions on that incident earlier this week. This post is suppose to be about our "successful" adoption and in all honesty I can say that so far it has been successful. Has it been a fairy tale with a happily ever after, we don't know yet because we are only in chapter 1 since we have only been a family for 9 months, but so far so good. Does that mean everything has been a bed of roses, no it doesn't. It has pretty much been the way our home study and placing agencies told us it could be in our training, the way our personal research told us it could be, the way the books we read told us it could be and the way other adoptive families have shared it has been for them. At times it can be very difficult, especially in the beginning, but most of the time it is pure joy. It is hard work incorporating an adopted child who has lived in an institutional setting and had a hard, sometimes severely traumatic start in life. With God's help and prayer we make it through on the bad days and rejoice with thanksgiving in the good days. As I said, we are fortunate that the days of rejoicing out number the bad days and we give God thanks for giving us this child to love and nurture so that he to may be a happy, joyful, loving, caring, giving, productive member of this world.

We are currently in the process of doing our first post placement report for our 4 yr old (3 1/2 when he came home) son from Kazakhstan. I was reading over some of the notes I wrote a few months after we were home. One of the questions is how does your child express or deal with frustration? The first few weeks the answer was hitting, kicking, spitting, screaming and major crying fits. In my initial draft of the report 6 months later I noted it had changed to pouting, crying, throwing things and yelling. Needless to say his language skills have improved and his ways of dealing with frustration or not getting his way have subsided to what are pretty typical 3-4 yr old reactions.

Yes, so far, we are among the lucky ones who's adopted child appears to be adjusting and attaching the way you hope they do. He is active, healthy thus far (all though I think we bought the dentist some new toys since we've been home), soaking up new things like a sponge, on target with fine and gross motor function, catching up in language but at a slower pace and most importantly thriving and happy.

We continue to monitor his physical, developmental and psychological well being closely and keep our eyes and ears open for any signs that a problem may be arising. If we stay on top of it and seek out resources then hopefully we can intervene before things escalate to a point that we can't help or cope. There are no guarentees any child will come without problems, whether they be biological or adopted domestically or internationally.

We have been very fortunate to be surround by a wonderful network of resources in our area. Our son has caring teachers and staff at his school that have taken a sincere interest in him and his adjustment to his new life. We also are very fortunate to have supportive, loving extended family,friends and co-workers.

Yes, there are lots of adoptive families who have not been as fortunate as us. I have read many blogs and stories on the message boards about how families have worked through their difficulties, some with success and some that have had to disrupt and do replacement for their adoptive child/ren. But I have read far more success stories. And it has made no difference whether it was an international adoption or a domestic adoption. The bottomline is that most adoptive parents want to do what is in the best interest for these children and their families no matter how hard, how expensive or how heart breaking the end result may be.

In closing I want to share a link to a blog post that I feel does I nice job of summarizing the situation involving the boy sent back to Russia.

http://www.creatingafamily.org/blog/adoption-domestic-adoption-international-adoption-embryo-adoption-foster-care-adoption/damaged-good-return-receipt-requested/

This time last year....

It is hard to believe that this time last year we were in the final stages of preparing for our first trip to Taraz. So much has happened in the adoption world since then.

I hear of changes that have been made and I am glad we are done and have our precious little boy at home. I know the US government agencies say they have made changes to streamline some of the process, but from what I have been reading on the message boards I'm not so sure they have succeeded.

Then there are all the stories in the press the last few months. I personnally don't know the circumstances or details of these different families but have to believe, especially in the latest case, that there had to be a better way of handling things. I do know that we were well educated on RAD, FAS, Instutionalized child development and lists and lists of resources if we had/have problems by our home study agencies and our placement agency. So far we have been fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who have had managable problems. I have read some of the other stories of those who have not been as fortunate. I can only imagine what it must be like, but I give great credit to those families who have worked through these issues or found compassionate ways of dealing with disrupted adoptions.

I believe for the most part that the good, legitimate agencies all tell and prepare their clients for the pros and cons of IA adoption. I think some parents are so desperate to have a family that they put on rose colored glasses and forget all the warnings. Even in the best of cases there is an adjustment period and it can last months or years depending on the childs age and background. I have always believed you prepare for the worst case and rejoice if you are blessed enough not to have to use most of what you prepared for. If we choose to deny that the worst could happen to us then we will not be prepared if and when it does.

I know we personally whined about the mandatory 14 day bonding period in the Kaz program but in hind sight the Kaz government probalby has it right. We ended up spending just under 4 weeks with Lukas on the first trip. From personal experience and reading about others it usually takes the first 7 days just to crack the shell. It is during the second week on that they start to come out of the shell and the real child "begins" to emerge. We thought we knew what kind of child we were going to be bringing home after that first month. We then got to spend 10 days in Kazakhstan with Lukas in our custody. Yes, he was still pretty much the child we expected to be bringing home, but, having him 24/7 for 10 days also brought to light some things we were going to seriously have to work on that we hadn't experienced or seen during the bonding period.

Kaz also requires that you come to Kazakhstan and meet the children in person before deciding if you wish to proceed with adopting them. I know other programs send referrals ahead of time and PAPs decide based on photos, reports and videos before travel if they wish to adopt a particular child and then spend limited time with them in country before everything is final. Evidently, that is not the best way to do things. I now see the wisdom behind the Kazakhstan Ministries/Dept of Education program requirements. It is costly (financially and emotionally) to go to Kaz and come home empty handed on the first trip, having seen many children but knowing in your heart and mind that they just aren't the right child/ren for your family. Luckily for us that was not the case. However, usually, when you do find that child, you can be pretty confident in your match for the long haul.

I also believe having the child evaluated thoroughly after arriving back in the USA is important. Our son was seen by his Pediatrician within 3 weeks of coming home. She spoke to us at length regarding any issues or concerns we had so far. Then at 6 weeks he was evaluated at the International Adoption clinic. The IA doctor did a very thorough evaluation and again asked about questions, concerns and talked to us about how to handle things and help him adjust to life in US and with a new language. At 4 months we had him seen by the county's free evaluation service through the public school system and again at the IA clinic at 6 months for follow-up. If we had concerns that a behaviour was a warning sign of attachment issues we discussed it with them so we could seek treatment if needed. So, I find it hard to understand how a child who has been here for only 6 months could have so many issues that went undetected until it was to the point the family felt the need to send him back alone to his birth country.

I pray this day for all those waiting PAPs and those in process that are being effected by recent events. I pray for those caring for children suffering from severe attachment and other issues, those who have had to disrupt their adoptions through no fault of their own and I pray for those children in the orphanages, babyhouses and boarding schools that are waiting for families and especially those who never will have families of their own. They are the ones who truely suffer when we adults and our respective governments lose sight of what truly matters, giving the children of the world the best care and love possible.

I believe every AP has a responsibility to remember that their actions can and will effect those who follow behind in the adoption process. Yes, we need to put our families needs and safety first, but, we should never forget about all those children still waiting.